Life can be depressing. I don't really have a single thing to be depressed about, but it still can be. I know people have it worse off that me. It isn't much of a comfort when you're self-centered. I've got a few things going on right now that I don't know how to cope with. One is.. well, relationship problems.
Relationships have such beautiful potential to bring you the greatest joy you'll probably ever experience. But every coupling has a downside. Nothing can be perfect forever. I'm having a relationship issue, but not one based on either one of us. Here's my problem. I'm about two-thousand miles away from my partner.
I havn't ever been someone who relys completely on physical contact. Most of my relationships lacked a physical aspect, because I didn't really know what to do. I find people I'm not compatible with, but people I put up with anyway. Well, I found someone I feel is perfect for me, but my lover is across a border, in a place I won't have transportation to.
This is what I've been mostly upset about. The kicker is, I get a single hour a day, or maybe two or three if I'm extremely lucky, [My partner puts in a lot of effort to be on more.] due to a limit on computer time which L'Amour [a nickname for my love.] can't be blamed for. And believe me. I have the utmost amount of faith in our coupling. I couldn't ask for someone more perfect. The distance just eats at me.
In a smaller list of issues..
a. I can't usually call my partner.
b. I can't travel up there for a good while.
c. I get an hour a day with my lover, maybe a little more, but at a risk.
And that's pretty much the main reason for my distress. I can't spend that much time with my darling. It kind of feels like getting ripped in half when she has to leave. I'd be fine if I could just acknowledge that she is okay, maybe by listening to her sleeping.
I'm the type of guy who would cuddle and snuggle with my lover constantly, and watch her sleep, enthralled by the sound of her heart beating or listening to her breathe peacefully while she's asleep, but.. I've never had that. The only heartbeat I've listened to is my Mom's, as everyone has. I've never cuddled with anyone.
I lack, truly, any type of physical affection. I'm decently isolated from anyone who could provide such a comfort. I've never been one to have very many friends. When I was little, I had little to none. That was a trend that went on for a long time, leaving me to crave attention and affection and love now that I'm older, or at least, that's why I think I crave that so much. I was the kid who 'didn't get hugged enough' when he was younger.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not all rainbows and sugar and pity stories, I can be sexual and shameless, and I often am. When I'm with people, I can put them in hysterics. I'm lively, hyper, and often very creepy. I'd definitely say I'm insane in the sense that I love to think about killing people. [And I often crave doing so.] But that's probably just a fight or flight instinct kicking in from old times. Part of me really hates humanity, the other part could care less about what a person is, it's just wants to make them smile.
I make people laugh, and I'm glad I do. I write poems, I write stories, I've made people cry through some of my writing. Sometimes because the story was sad, sometimes because it was hilarious. I love changing people's perception of things. I like making people feel things they might be holding back on. [Like making a tough guy cry or a depressed person smile.] But this is extremely off topic. So back on it;
I'm the type of guy who doesn't ask for anything but a little time and attention. I could handle an hour if it was physically an hour and not over the computer or phone [when I can] with a million worries and distractions.
Distance is a hard thing. But it's a beautiful thing, espeially in the beginning, because you know exactly what that person is first seeing in you. If they don't love you for your physical presence, then you know what they're looking for in you. Your personality, and everything that makes that person who they are.
Then you get to missing your partner more and more, and things happen that you wish you could be there for, and hold your partner through. Like a broken arm or a sprained wrist or something like that. And even the minor things like a papercut, you want to kiss it and get your lover a band-aid.Or even worse, emotional issues that you wish you could be there to help with. But you can't. And it makes you feel so incredibly helpless.
But you know, even through all the horrible distance, I wouldn't trade the love of my partner for anything in the world. Through the downs of the distance, my love for her carries through all obstacles. I know that me and her can get through this, because we're two incredibly strong people, bonded together in even a stronger coupling.
To my dearest: I know this isn't anything you haven't thought of before. I love you.
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